5 Common Child Custody Battle Mistakes

1. Bad-mouthing the other parent – especially in front of your kids

Whether you’re at the beginning of your separation, you’ve been faced with co-parenting difficulties for a number of years, or you’re locked in a very bitter legal custody battle, it’s common to want to say some not-so-nice things about your kid’s other parent.

It’s an emotional time – especially if your co-parent is not playing ball. But the only good thing that can come from bad-mouthing the other parent is a momentary relief from your frustration.

Children are very receptive and if the last thing they want is to hear bad things about their other parent – after all, they do deserve to have a meaningful relationship with BOTH parents, regardless of how annoyed you may be.

Whether it’s an unintentional slip of the tongue, an overheard comment to a friend, or an intentional dig at their other parent, it can impact their relationship with the other parent and even their relationship with you.

In addition to it affecting your child, bad-mouthing their other parent could impact the outcome of your matter in court. Word could get back to the other parent and it could be used against you in their argument as to why they should have “custody”.

What you can do instead:

If you’re finding it difficult to cope emotionally or you need to talk about your situation, consider counselling or therapy services. This can be a great way to work through your feelings and gain perspective on your situation.

You could also consider engaging in mediation services to resolve matters that may continue to occur.

We’ve put together a list of resources and support services that could help you here.

2. Emotionally manipulate your child

The idea of emotionally manipulating your child has probably never crossed your mind, however, it commonly occurs and is often unintentional. For example, the feelings of frustration you may feel when faced with parental conflict can lead to you wanting your child to understand your feelings and perspective. You may want to tell them just how bad their other parent is or even make them feel sorry for you.

While you may have valid feelings of frustration, attempting to make your child feel sorry for you or align with your views can be considered to be emotional manipulation. It can also lead to very serious negative consequences for you.

Trying to influence your child’s thoughts and feelings towards their other parent could be considered to be parental alienation, which can impact a court’s decision as to where the child/children will live, visitation and contact between the children and their parents. You can learn more about parental alienation and its legal consequences here.

What you can do instead:

It’s very common to have negative feelings about your child’s other parent after you’ve ended your relationship. And while you may wish that your child could understand your perspective, unless they face harm, they have the right to have a relationship with their other parent, regardless of how that makes you feel. It’s important to find an outlet for your feelings, which is where support groups and counselling services come in handy.

It could also be beneficial to you to discuss your matter with a family lawyer who specialises in child custody and parenting matters. They could help you understand your legal situation, provide you with options, and ensure that you’re doing what is best for your child.

3. Not communicating with the other parent

We know that speaking to your ex is probably one of the last things you would like to do – especially if the relationship didn’t end well. But, when you decided to have a child with them, you made a decision to have them in your life – parenting a child is a life-long commitment.

When you have kids, decision-making never stops – from big decisions like where they will go to school and how they will spend their time, to smaller daily decisions, like what you will feed them and what they will wear. Not all of these decisions require input from both parents but there are lots of times that you may need to consult the other parent.

Matters like discipline, gifts, parent-teacher meetings, and even play dates may require some coordination between the parents. And while some big decisions can be made ahead of time you can’t plan for everything, so chances are that you’re going to need to speak to your kid’s other parent at some point.

For the big decisions, like schooling and medical treatments, both parents should have a say as each parent has what is known as equal shared parental responsibility. This is automatic and doesn’t mean equal time with each parent, rather it means that for the big decisions that will have a long-term impact on the child, each parent has a say and the decision should not be made by only one parent but both.

Communication is also extremely important from a legal perspective. If you’re involved in a parental dispute that ends up making its way to the family law court, showing that you can work with the other parent by communicating with them will be seen positively in the eyes of the court. It shows that you’re putting your child and their needs first ie. Their best interests are at the forefront.

What you can do instead:

Not all communication needs to be face-to-face or even voice-to-voice, there are so many different ways to communicate that there really isn’t an excuse not to – unless doing so will put you or your child in harm’s way.

Emails, text messages and social media are all easy and legitimate ways to communicate. Or you could even try using one of the many different co-parenting apps out there. Many of these apps have been designed to make communication easy, even when you cannot stand the other person. Check out some of these co-parenting apps here.

4. Denying access to the child

Making it difficult for the other parent to have a relationship with your child by not allowing them to access their child will not be seen favourably by the court if you’re involved in a custody dispute or parenting matter.

The court wants to see that both parents can demonstrate that they are willing to co-parent and put the interests of their child first.

Unfortunately, it can be a common occurrence that parents will use their children as bargaining chips to use as leverage to control a situation and this includes controlling or restricting access to the child for one of the parents. Whether it’s a mother withholding a child from their father or a father taking the children without permission, treating the children as if they are possessions and disregarding any court orders or agreements should never occur.

This also often occurs when a relationship doesn’t end well. It can be difficult for people to separate their personal emotions and their parenting, which can result in parents using their children as pawns. This can also lead to parental alienation in some instances.

If you believe that your child is at risk of being harmed physically or emotionally and you are preventing access to protect the child, then this is the right course of action. Some of the potential scenarios where you may need to deny access to your child include:

• The other parent is acting violently towards you or the child;
• The other parent is taking drugs or using drugs when the child is with them;
• The other parent has said something that makes you believe that they will not return the child.

These are only some of the situations that could mean that you need to deny access to your child. If you find yourself in a dangerous situation you should call the police immediately.

What you can do instead:

If there is no reasonable risk of harm to your child, then you should be doing everything you can to encourage and facilitate a healthy relationship</b between your child and their other parent. It doesn’t mean you have to have a great relationship with the other parent but you can co-parent effectively.

If you believe you or your child could be at risk of harm and you do deny access to your child, we recommend seeking legal advice. A family lawyer can help you to understand your options and even help to protect you and your child too. If you or your child are in immediate danger, then you should contact 000.

5. Breaching court orders

Whether you agree with a court order or not, unless there is a risk of harm to your child, you should never breach a court order. Rather you should follow the appropriate course of action to appeal an order.

Breaching court orders is very serious and if you’re found guilty of doing so you could be penalised in a variety of different ways including financial consequences, community service or even jail time. The severity of your punishment will depend on the unique circumstances of the case.

It is possible to unknowingly breach a court order, such as if you didn’t understand all of the requirements of the order. But if you’re found to have purposely or continuously breached a court order, this could be seen as you not being willing to allow your child to have a meaningful relationship with their other parent and this would be considered to be against your child’s best interests and not looked upon favourably.

What you can do instead:

If a family court has made orders in your parenting dispute, then it’s important to ensure you understand all that is required of you and the other party/ies involved. A family lawyer can help you.

If you’ve breached a court order or the other party has breached one, we also recommend seeking legal advice. Court orders can be breached in numerous ways and it’s best to understand all of your options before acting.