Why You Might Feel Trapped Without Understanding Why
“I was never hit, but I couldn’t breathe in that relationship.”
“I wasn’t allowed to have private time, but they said it was love.”
These are real words from clients who came to therapy confused, exhausted, and deeply unsure of themselves. The term for what they were experiencing is coercive control, a pattern of domination that chips away at autonomy, safety, and identity.
Unlike physical violence, coercive control is slow-burning and systematic. It’s common, dangerous, and now recognised under Australian law. This article will help you identify it, understand its impact, and take first steps toward clarity or support.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a strategic pattern of behaviours used to dominate, isolate, and regulate a partner’s life. It’s often subtle at first, disguised as concern, love, or protectiveness. Over time, it escalates into complete emotional, financial, and psychological dominance.
Coined by criminologist Dr Evan Stark, coercive control is now widely recognised as the “invisible cage” of abusive relationships.
It’s Not About Conflict , It’s About Control
Unlike typical relationship issues, coercive control is not about miscommunication or anger issues. It’s about power imbalance and entrapment. The goal isn’t to solve problems, it’s to dominate, disorient, and dismantle the other person’s autonomy.
“This isn’t about fights. It’s about fear.” , Dr Evan Stark
Core Tactics of Coercive Control
Here are the most common control tactics used in coercive relationships. Most abusers don’t use all of them, but even a few in consistent patterns is cause for concern.
1. Isolation
- Restricting contact with friends or family
- Undermining outside relationships (“They don’t really care about you like I do”)
- Making you feel guilty for spending time with others
- Physically relocating you far from your support system
Why it works: Disconnection breeds dependence. When you have no one to validate your experience, you’re more likely to second-guess yourself.
2. Surveillance & Monitoring
- Demanding passwords to phones, emails, or social accounts
- Using tracking apps or GPS without consent
- Constantly checking where you are, who you’re with
- Interrogating you after social interactions
Why it works: It breaks down privacy and instils constant self-surveillance, eroding the sense of being a “separate person.”
3. Control of Daily Life
- Dictating what you wear, eat, say, or do
- Deciding who you can see or when you can leave the house
- Monitoring household routines and enforcing rigid rules
- Imposing “consequences” for stepping out of line
4. Gaslighting
- Denying or rewriting past events (“That never happened”)
- Blaming you for their behaviour (“You made me do this”)
- Telling you you’re too emotional or sensitive
- Making you feel unstable or mentally unwell
Therapist note: Gaslighting attacks your inner compass, the voice that says, “This isn’t right.” Over time, it leads to confusion, passivity, and despair.
5. Threats & Intimidation
- Threatening to leave, take the kids, or ruin your reputation
- Threatening self-harm if you “abandon” them
- Destroying property or punching walls
- Giving you “the look” or silent treatment when displeased
You may not be physically harmed, but you’re constantly managing fear.
6. Financial Control
- Taking or controlling your income
- Refusing to let you access joint accounts
- Forcing you to ask for money
- Preventing you from working or studying
This tactic makes leaving feel impossible, even when emotionally you’re ready.
7. Sexual Control or Coercion
- Pressuring or guilt-tripping you into sex
- Criticising your sexual needs or performance
- Withholding affection as punishment
- Demanding sex as a form of “making up”
Coercive control doesn’t always include physical or sexual abuse, but when it does, it’s even more dangerous.
How to Tell the Difference Between Toxic and Coercive
| Behaviour | Toxic Relationship | Coercive Control |
| Jealousy | Occasional, admitted, self-managed | Constant suspicion, tracking, interrogation |
| Arguments | Heated but mutual, with repair | One-sided, fearful, used to punish |
| Boundaries | Sometimes disrespected | Routinely ignored or punished |
| Independence | Exists but strained | Slowly erased or completely blocked |
If you’re constantly anxious, feel like you’re “walking on eggshells,” or have lost your sense of self , those are signposts of coercive control.
🇦🇺 Coercive Control and the Law in Australia
- NSW, Queensland, and Tasmania have passed or are in the process of implementing coercive control laws.
- It is now a criminal offence in some jurisdictions even without physical violence.
- Police and courts are learning to detect patterns across time, not just single incidents.
If you’re in NSW or QLD and worried about your safety, speak to a lawyer or domestic violence support service about what these laws mean for you.
Psychological Impact
- Cognitive Fog: Trouble thinking clearly or making decisions
- Hypervigilance: Constant scanning for emotional threats
- Anxiety, depression, or PTSD
- Identity Loss: Forgetting who you were before the relationship
- Suicidal ideation (in severe cases)
These are not signs of personal weakness, they’re the result of sustained psychological trauma.
First Steps If You Suspect You’re Being Controlled
1. Document Everything
Keep a private log of:
- Dates, quotes, screenshots
- Financial records or changes
- Patterns of isolation, surveillance, or threats
This helps you spot patterns and can support legal action later.
2. Reconnect With Someone You Trust
One safe person who believes you can be the difference between staying trapped and finding clarity. Choose someone who won’t judge, rush, or tell you to “just leave.”
3. Create a Digital Exit Folder
Email or store documents (IDs, bank info, safety plans) to an account your partner doesn’t access. This reduces panic later.
4. Call 1800 RESPECT
Australia’s national domestic, family and sexual violence counselling service is 24/7 confidential. They can help you plan safely, even if you’re not ready to leave.
Therapist Insight
“Most victims minimise coercive control because it’s not loud. But silence can be violence. If your autonomy is shrinking and your anxiety is rising, something is wrong, even if there are no bruises.”
Final Thought
Coercive control thrives in silence, confusion and secrecy. Naming it is the first act of resistance. Whether you’re reading this with a racing heart or cautious curiosity, know this: you’re not imagining it, and you’re not alone.
There is help. There is a way forward. And there are relationships where you get to feel free, safe and heard.
